Jo Brew’s Easy Way to Give up Patriarchy

This guide shows how you can give up much of patriarchy in the same way as you can give up smoking, eating junk food or drinking alcohol. It unveils the fear/relief cycle at the heart of the addiction

Are you addicted to patriarchy? Are you worried that you are hooked on the habit of pandering to powerful sexist men? Do trips to beauty parlour cost a fortune and seem a waste of time? Does dying your hair dampen your mood? Want to give up but don’t know how? Perhaps people have told you that you can’t give up patriarchy because it’s imposed, not a choice? Well, help is at hand! This guide outlines and describes the surprising reality that you can actually give up a lot of patriarchy quite easily, in much the same way as you can give up smoking, eating junk food or drinking coffee or alcohol.

An advantage of “Jo Brew’s Easy Way to Give Up Patriarchy” is that it gives you the tools to quit a good proportion of patriarchy for good, without the need for willpower or special chewing gum, or twelve step programme meetings – no need to go to Patriarchy Anonymous. In most cases you won’t get withdrawal symptoms. This is a self-help manual that gives you the tools to change your life for the better by quitting the harmful habit of pleasing patriarchy. You can save loads of money and huge chunks of time by giving up. The guide includes a six-step process that will help you quit in one go, for good.

You might well ask the question how can women “give up” patriarchy when it’s something imposed on us, by and for men. It’s not like smoking, which is a choice, an action that you control. You can choose to pick up and light a cigarette or not, but, patriarchy is forced on us so it’s quite different. The great thing about this revolutionary, life changing new method is that it distinguishes between the parts of patriarchy that are imposed and hard/impossible to give up, and the parts that many women have a choice about, such as wearing high heels, putting on lipstick and cooking meals for men. It draws on the experience and wisdom from many women and girls who have succeeded in giving up promotion of and submission to patriarchy and don’t regret it. Where you have a choice, this guide shows you how in an easy-to-follow six-step process.

Patriarking – an action like smoking or drinking

For the purposes of this guide, I’m introducing the term “partriarking”, an action or series of actions that are performed/done/thought: they are actions taken by women that align with or further the patriarchy. I will also use the verb “to patriark”. This will help the reader see the similarities between bad habits such as smoking, drinking alcohol, eating junk food, and the set of harmful but addictive habits that hook us into doing patriarchal actions. Why not, you might ask, talk about giving up “submitting” to patriarchy? That can be seen as a good way to describe the verb that females are required to action under the reign of the fathers and brothers. But a problem with the term “submitting” is that most women and girls who are addicted to patriarchy do not see their actions as submission. They see the actions as empowering choices. Doing actions that align with or prop up patriarchy is not always experienced as submission by the actors. Selling other women out, as Margaret Thatcher did, can be rewarded handsomely for the individual women. Similarly, women newsreaders in the West almost always wear ridiculously high heels, which is a betrayal of other women, but seems to be a sine qua non for female journalists wanting the job. The newsreader might feel empowered personally by her patriarking and not see that she is trading submission for a job and advertising the need for all female viewers to submit in order to get good jobs.

In the same way that smokers buy cigarettes, smoke them, get a short boost of pleasure along with a whole raft of negative health, wealth and social effects, women and girls buy into patriarchy, get a little shot of relief or pleasure followed by a long downside of worse health, wealth and social status. Patriarking affects the individual women negatively by wasting her time, money, ruining her health or body. It also affects all women negatively as a sex caste, because it reminds us of the imperative to oppress ourselves and to be loyal to patriarchy. Patriarchy is the system of male domination run at a global and individual level by men. Patriarking is the performance by women of acts of submission to the patriarchy and this guide shows how to give it up. Smoking is to the tobacco industry what patriarking is to patriarchy.

“Patriaking” is also better than "submitting to patriarchy" because it's fewer syllables so easier to say. It's less cumbersome and easy to refer to quickly. It builds its own meaning rather than borrowing existing meanings.

What is patriarking?

Before attempting to give up, it is useful to understand more about patriarking:  how patriarking works, the conscious and unconscious triggers and how it keeps us hooked. Television, mainstream media, advertising, much of society have normalised patriarking to such an extent that women are bombarded with messages promoting it. It can be illustrated by examining a nail salon, which these days are ubiquitous in most high streets.

The nail bar

When a woman patriarks, in a similar way to when she eats junk food or smokes, she gets an immediate good feeling. For instance, in planning to get her nails tidied and polished at a nail salon, she has the uplifting feeling of knowing she is going to a shop where someone will pamper her, chat to her, look after her. This is both a physical feeling and psychological. Her mood might lift slightly in expectation. While in the salon, she is likely to feel safe, looked after and happy. Maybe she feels a bit like a princess or queen, the type of woman who wins in patriarchy. She gets a reassuring impression that the world makes sense and she fits in as one of the top dogs. She is paying for the feeling, if short lived, of being one of the privileged women in patriarchy. In this way she is buying into patriarchy and propping it up. She thinks she will gain status. Brightly coloured long nails make her more worthy of respect in a patriarchal society. But the positive feeling is short lived and starts to dissipate quickly. It might sour a bit when she pays, especially if she is hard up and aware that she could have spent the money on something more helpful. However, over the next few days, when she sees her glossy nails, she gets a little boost and even more so if she gets compliments. On the downside, the nails are often long, making it difficult or even dangerous to type or garden or wash up. A battle ensues between the fantasy she’s bought into that she is a precious princess, prized by patriarchy which makes her feel good and justified and the reality that she has rendered herself incapable of many productive tasks. She might be aware that she has bolstered the system that oppresses her.

How patriarking is addictive – it relieves anxiety and fear

Patriarking is an addiction, a bad habit that is pushed to young girls, through TV, social media, shopping malls, schools and communities. It’s like eating junk food, drinking alcohol or smoking. You don’t need to do it to survive, but huge industries and interests promote it and thrive off our unhealthy addiction. Take make up and beauty; young girls are progressively groomed into using make up and a plethora of beauty products.

Big beauty makes a killing off selling products to females and the profits are certainly one reason why the cycle is perpetutated. But at the heart of the addiction is a more personal story. It is that patriarking relieves anxiety and fear. The basic emotion that drives women to patriark is anxiety and fear of male violence. Women can also fear losing their jobs (which is a form of violence really given we are all dependent on income to survive). Men’s violence creates fear, which women relieve by patriarking.

An example of this is a wife who asks her husband to wash up his dishes before going out to work. He refuses, saying she will make him late. He slaps his hand on the kitchen table and storms out without saying goodbye. She is scared. Could he become violent? Her heart starts to race… she finds herself wanting to clean the house more diligently than normal and spends the day on edge – where will his anger lead? He returns home and sees she has cleaned up his mess and more. He, the patriarch, has been fed. This is power. This is patriarchal power – power over a woman who he has controlled, with a low-level hint of violence. His hinting is supported on the lunchtime news by his brothers in malestream media who report that another woman was killed by her husband. Like terrorism, even if the likelihood of it happening to you is low, the fear is real. Her fear driven tidying up for him is paying homage, showing submission, asking him to not attack her. It gives him something and it takes something away from her. She feels safer and her anxiety and fear reduce, until the next trigger panics her and she finds herself patriarking once again.

In the same way that caffeine creates dependency because as the effect of the last shot wears off the drinker gets a slight and then growing headache and feels sleepy and unfocussed, patriarchy creates a repeated desire in women to apologise, placate, perform rituals of submission, or give tributes. Each act of patriarking by a woman relieves her fear and anxiety but feeds the monster materially and spiritually, making it stronger and her weaker. The trick is that patriarchy causes the anxiety which women relieve by patriarking (see Figure 1. below).  The key to the addiction is that patriarking relieves the fear and anxiety caused by patriarchy.

How the addiction works

Patriarking sucks life away from you. It is addictive and hard to break free from because you get a feeling of relief and safety by patriarking. In the past many women believed in religion (dubbed the opium of the masses by Marx) and have now given it up, showing it's quite possible to break free. This guide will help women break free from patriarchy.

The conscious and subconscious learns that the ill effects of patriarchy can be relieved by patriarking – by doing an act of patriarchy. This is taught to girls by mothers, primary school, media and reinforced throughout life. This is normally not unlearned. On the contrary, it is normally reinforced and strengthened. If she is ever feeling anxious or scared (due to patriarchy – there should be a word for this precise type of fear/anxiety), triggered perhaps by a news item about a woman being sexually assaulted in the park and decides to relieve this anxiety by for instance putting on make-up or cooking a meal for a man, the unease will be reduced for several hours. She learns that patriarking relieves the ill effects of withdrawal from patriarchy. It’s a treadmill and she can’t seem to get off it.

As the effect of that patriarking wears off, so the craving will start again. Patriarking is not just the performance of femininity. It is also when a woman defers to a man or men in general. It is supporting a male football team or watching pornography.

Born that way?

Are some women born submissive to patriarchy and more likely to get hooked on the cycle of fear, trigger, pander, relief, and then back to fear? Or is the habit/ addiction developed over time? My belief is that it is developed and becomes ingrained over time. It is more likely, for instance, to develop in a girl whose mother habitually patriarks or has a problem with patriarking. It’s important to understand that girls and women learn patriarking and become more and more addicted throughout life.  It is not a natural state and it is not inevitable. It's more nurture than nature. To survive, patriarking needs to be encouraged and taught – by parents, families, institutions, the media. This is one reason why patriarchy will not tolerate women identified women only spaces. Where safe spaces exist, outside patriarchy, meta patriarchal, they are invaded and undermined, such as currently by males who say they are women demanding access to women only spaces. Part of the support by patriarchy for the preposterous idea that transwomen are women is driven by the desire need to stop women breaking free.

Everyone is doing it

Performing femininity by putting on make-up is a form of patriarking. One reason for the current widespread use of make up is that so many other women use it that it’s normalised. This does not however, make it healthy or a good choice. In the 1974 around 46% of adults in the UK smoked despite evidence it was unhealthy and increased risk of cancer, but that changed and by 2018 only 16% of adults smoked (Office for National Statistics 2019). Right now, in UK 83% of women wear make-up but that could change (Hollywood Mirrors 2023). More and more women are giving up patriarking. Some give it up young – particularly lesbians who see no need of it. Often middle-aged women give it up.

How to give up

Now that you understand the addiction, you are ready to think about how to give up. This will involve resetting your mindset to focus on the benefits of kicking the habit and being aware of the negatives of carrying on. I suggest an easy to follow, effective six-step process.

•        Calculate the financial benefit of giving up patriarking. Think about how much money you will save and work out what you will spend all that extra money on.

•        Remind yourself that there is no safe level of patriarking. Despite wishy washy government guidelines suggesting that it’s safe to patriark once or twice a week as long as you don’t binge, this is not true.

•        Stop hanging out with people who patriark or don't want you to give up.

•        Overcome misogynistic misconceptions – dismantle the myths. Patriarking is not for yourself, it’s to yourself. Give it up.

•        Stop fitting in to patriarchy.

•        Stop feeding the monsters – the inner patriarch and the outer patriarchs – they will die.

The financial benefit of giving up patriarking.

Possibly the biggest benefit is to your wallet. Beauty products are expensive. In 2023 Hollywood Mirrors make up website reported that the average British woman spends over £100,000 on her appearance in her lifetime. They buy 38 different products for their face annually which adds up to 2,455 by the time they reach their eighties. On average women spent £448 per year on skincare products and nearly £600 on haircuts and styling (Hollywood Mirrors 2023). This money could be spent on other things that are less harmful to your health and wellbeing. Add to this all the unpaid work you do for men, being kind, the unnecessary clothes, the unreciprocated help you do for males.

There is no safe level of patriarking

Patriarchy is like smoking – it’s a poison and there is no safe level. Just as there is no safe level of smoking, there is no safe level of patriarking. You need to give it up completely, once and for all. There might be withdrawal symptoms and you will probably feel the desire to relapse, but these feelings will pass. Most women who have given up say they would never go back.

Stop hanging out with people who patriark or don’t want you to give up patriarking

There will, almost inevitably, be some friends, colleagues, family members, acquaintances who don’t want to you to give up. This might be males you know who enjoy patriarking for the feeling of being part of the brotherhood, the ruling sex caste, or the benefits they get from a system that is stacked in their favour (more pay, dinners cooked for them, sexual pleasure). It might be females, women and girls, who habitually patriark. If possible, dump them, move on. They are not real friends. Real friends want the best for you, they don’t want to you hooked on some detrimental junk habit.

Just as giving up alcohol might mean avoiding pubs, giving up patriarking could mean avoiding cosmetics stores and hairdressers.

Of course, you won’t be free to just dump or avoid everyone who patriarks but in some cases you will be able to move away from unsupportive friends and find new ones. Spend more time with people who have already given up patriarking. There are many women who have quit patriarchy and will often be happy to support you in your post patriarchal life. These days there are also online communities you could join where you can swap tips with others on the journey to slough off women hating habits.

Overcome misogynistic misconceptions

Some women worry that they won’t enjoy life if they can’t patriark. One barrier to giving up is the seemingly depressing prospect of not going shopping for make up with girlfriends or losing the luxurious feeling of having your hands pampered at the nail bar or missing the friendly chat at the hairdressers. These moments in women’s lives are ironically often in women only environments, where there is respite from the male gaze, the possibility of male violence or put downs. You need to realise that the price you pay for this moment of patriarking is high. The thousands of pounds, the toxic products, the damage done to your body, the time wasted. This is outlined in a brilliant book Beauty and Misogyny by Sheila Jeffreys, which explains the detrimental effects of the beauty industry (Jeffreys 2005).

Patriarking as fitting in

It often looks as if every woman in the world is patriarking and to not do it would be to stick out like a sore thumb, to be a loner and get ostracised. Certainly, the malestream media present women like this. People dependent on alcohol often say they don’t think they could enjoy a social occasion without drinking. The alcohol has become associated in their minds with having a good time when out. Similarly, many women say that they would feel awkward at a party or gathering if they were not wearing high heels, make up and a revealing dress. They wouldn’t fit in and predict they would be shunned. Girls going to prom when graduating school often feel there is no choice but to shave their legs, don a long dress and hobble in on crippling heels. They want to fit in. Those that do dare to wear a suit try to band together with others so they won’t be the only one. The emotion they are trying to avoid is fear of being outcast by society. To avoid this go to these occasions with friends who have also given up, or just don’t go. We do have choice and more and more women are doing it. Hopefully in a few years patriarking will be just as uncommon as smoking.

Stop feeding the monsters

One of the best kept secrets of the monster that is patriarchy is that it needs constant feeding. The food that nourishes patriarchy is not just material, but visual, theoretical and social. Anything that feeds the monster is harmful. The monster could be one male sitting across the table from you eating the food you grew, harvested, cooked and presented to him. It could be a group of men, feeding their feelings of being the ruling sex caste by seeing you struggle to walk in high heels and a short skirt. It could be the monster patriarchal beauty industry that feeds financially off women’s desire to show willing, to perform their pre-ordained role, femininity. Once you can see pandering to patriarchy as feeding the monster, you see how to stop nourishing it.

Patriarking feeds the patriarchy inside you. It feeds your inner patriarch, a misogynistic monster inside you. We pretty much all have an inner patriarch. It’s another way of describing internalised misogyny. It is the personification of internalised misogyny. You can kill your inner patriarch by not feeding him. The less you feed him, the weaker and smaller he gets. On the other hand, if you feed him, he gets stronger and basically takes over. You get to a situation where you become a sort of robot for patriarchy, because your inner patriarch has quashed you, your actual person. A woman can end up with an inner patriarch who's taken control of her body. The sad thing is that the inner patriarch is egged on and supported by a global patriarchal institutions. The inner patriarch is threatened by the idea of giving up patriarching, because it will mean his withering away, his death. He goes absolutely ballistic to defend his control.

Linked to this, every time you feed the patriarchal monster or monsters, you are weakening yourself. It is humiliating. It is a form of submission to give away the fruits of your labour to a man who barely thanks you for it. It is humiliating to do it to relieve the threat of violence. So, every time you have choice, take it. Courage calls to courage everywhere, and your act of courage will inspire others.

The act of participating in patriarchy, patriarking lets the ideology get inside your brain. It alters your character and resets your habits. After a while you become more and more habituated to it and aligned with it. You don’t need to choose to do it. You can give up quite a lot of it. Many of the fittest and healthiest females I meet are those who have given up patriarking and spend their time and money self-actualising, living for themselves, for nature, for other free women. The healthy feeling of safety when you have disengaged from patriarchy is so much better than the temporary relief gained while addicted.

Staying stopped

To help you stay stopped, step outside of patriarchy and withdraw from the triggers. Stop watching malestream TV and listening to malesteam radio. Befriend women who have given up patriarchy and patriarking. If you remember patriarchy is poison and the feeling of relief you get from submitting is only temporary and pandering to it is feeding the monster, you can see that wherever possible, if you avoid patriarchy you can to a large extent get away.

There are risks. You might lose friends and jobs. You might get dumped by your boyfriend but that will probably be better anyway. Alternatively, you might decide to dump him, because you realise he is part of the problem. You might get a non-patriarking girlfriend. The upside is that you will be free from the cycle of fear, anxiety, relief and then more fear and anxiety.

Patriarking harms other females

One of the many reasons to give up patriarking is that when under the influence, you give unhelpful signals to other females. The mother who puts on a sexy dress and high heels to go out with her suited and booted husband sends the signal to her daughter that special occasions require females to look submissive. If she demands that her daughter also dress up like this, she passes the harm down the generations. The daughter will feel betrayed by her mother, particularly if she says it’s just a bit of fun, it’s a choice. The daughter will feel confused, seeing her mother’s submissive behaviour.

Conclusion

This guide has given you some tools to give up, as far as possible, your active participation in patriarchy. Of course, there are many parts of patriarchy that are beyond our control and are enforced on us. For instance, we are forced to pay taxes that are spent propping up the patriarchy. We cannot stop male violence, or take over mainstream TV. But at least, in this simple way, we can stop choosing to participate, improve our own lives and be part of collectively undermining patriarchy’s power.

In this guide I used the term “to patriark” to help make giving up easier. Who on earth would want to patriark anyway?  If you see it as a choice, you can choose to give it up. Relieving the fear of patriarchy by performing submission to patriarchy is not the answer. The answer is to reject it. Be brave. And don’t go looking for patriarchy. Avoid it. It’s like goats going over near the wolves and running back quickly to avoid being eaten. Just don’t go over there. Men want us to think patriarchy is natural, eternal, and ubiquitous, they want us perpetually afraid and performing submission, giving tributes. But we can jump off the treadmill.

I hope you have enjoyed Jo Brew’s Easy Way to Give up Patriarchy. What do you think? What are your experiences? Put your comments below.